Nov 102000


I got an e-mail the other day about AOL and Microsoft teaming up to make Internet Explorer the most widely used browser. In fact, the e-mail said something about Microsoft handing out money to people who forwarded the e-mail along.

You know, I’d sure like to know who starts these stupid, bogus e-mail chains. If you ever find out, let me know so I can hire someone to do away with this person. This is bogus. AOL owns Netscape now and is trying to get away from Microsoft (Why would they want to make IE the most widely used browser?). Also, the day that Microsoft hands away money to the average shmo is the day that all life ceases on planet Earth. For anyone else who has read this far, here are some examples of the stupid, time-consuming, bogus e-mail chains out there:

1. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” e-mail to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain e-mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower, and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

2. There is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no billygoats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy From Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and this is all a complete load of goatshit.

3. Make a wish…. um, okay, I wish your hands would fall off so you wouldn’t be able to type stupid e-mails much less work the mouse to forward them!

4. If you send any e-mail to 10 people, you won’t receive a lost episode of South Park (unless that e-mail was to someone who had it, and they could attach it to their next e-mail to you.)

5. Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, abject virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

6. FRIENDS (an inspirational poem by some dumb-fuck)

A friend is someone who is always at your side,

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating cat food,

A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of assholes,

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English… -oh, sorry, that’s the cleaning lady, my mistake!

A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don’t, your penis will fall off, unless you’re a woman, in which case you will grow a penis… and then it will fall off.

If you’re going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care.

In Conclusion:

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Timbuktu with no teeth and half a head, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail; otherwise, you’ll end up like Miranda Pinsley. Or that God doesn’t love them anymore because they won’t preach to all of their friends over e-mail.

Oh, by the way, if you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1 person within the next 24 hours, you will be ruthlessly…

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 Posted by at 10:03 pm

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