Sep 212017

South Carolina  –  On Monday, area man, David Gilmore set up a GoFundMe account to help find relief from the onslaught of recent GoFundMe campaigns benefitting victims of this or that hurricane and/or earthquake.

“At first, I just wanted to help,” said Gilmore. “But then it got out of control.”

When asked exactly how it got “out of control”, Gilmore replied, “Well, first was a hurricane in Mexico, then an earthquake, then Irma, then another earthquake and now, another hurricane. To top it off, my buddy Brittney from Georgia started a GoFundMe after her dog Skippy was killed by a tiger . . . a flippin’ tiger! It’s crazy! It’s like someone’s playing Jumanji somewhere. Frankly, I can’t keep up.”

Gilmore noted that he pledged considerable sums to each of the aforementioned GoFundMe campaigns, and has now found himself in a dire financial situation.

“Yeah, I’m tapped out, man,” added Gilmore. “I thought, now who’s gonna help me? So I started my own GoFundMe campaign to help me get back on my feet after all those other GoFundME campaigns.”

To date, Gilmore’s campaign has raised $50, mostly from his mother.

Dec 022010

Psycho KillerYou want to hear a rant? A real rant? Well here it is. I currently work at a job which of course is to support the government. I myself have never been employed by the government nor was a member of the military so I have no expectations of how the military run a base. In my finite, infinitesimal brain I would conclude it would be a rather well run entity and I could actually work within its constraints. Of course I also believe that Smurfs were all being drained dry financially by Smurfette who was practicing prostitution on a large scale, being she is the only female in their population. There is only one other anomaly and that is Papa Smurf who is the illegitimate father of all Smurfs even though no Smurf has genitals. Gargamel created Smurfette to destroy the Smurfs but it just started a facet of their economy. I can picture Smurfs having sex and grimacing with a Smurf sex face screaming “OH MY SMURF, OH MY SMURF!” The Smurf conundrum is as logical as the government and the military. Continue reading »

Teen Ostracized Over Team Carlisle Shirt

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Oct 062010

Kayla Black feels the biting pangs of individuality

Charlotte, SC – Local teen Kayla Black faces the daily scrutiny that every American teen battles. However, unlike generations past, Kayla’s peers do not torment her for her choice in jeans, shoes or music. Instead, her pariah status is attributed to her choice of vampires.

Proudly sporting her Team Carlisle shirt, Black states, “I can’t believe the other girls and that one gay guy are giving me so much grief over my love of Carlisle. I mean, he’s so cute and his power of compassion is so very compelling to me. He’s like my soul mate. Why wouldn’t you like him?”

The shirt in question

Fellow students Cathy Turner and Becky Miller couldn’t disagree more, however. “OMG!” screamed Miller. “I can’t believe she’s actually all hot for some old guy; he’s like really old. Why can’t she just go for some young guy like Edward? She’s so lame. She thinks she’s such an individual or something. Whatever… Team Edward!”

To which Turner replied, “Team Jacob!” The two then debated madly about whether a 106-year-old dead guy or a wolf would make a better prom date.

Black added, “I realize Carlisle hasn’t got a super cool power like mind reading or detecting relationships, but compassion is still pretty cool, right?”

Peace Loving Jew Can’t Get Enough of Licking Arab Boots

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Oct 062010

A Jewish peace activist doing what he does best

Yonatan Bar-Submission, an Israeli ‘Peace Now’ activist, just can’t seem to have enough of the taste of delicious boots worn by Muslim and Arab parties.

The eager peace lover was seen recently in a major protest against various Israeli activities (such as breathing air that Arabs say belong to them, or existing within fifty miles of a mosque), when he is kneeling all the way down to the floor, and ravenously licking the footwear of Islamic fundamentalists, begging to be forgiven for his terrible crimes, and also to be whipped for being a ‘naughty bad boy’.

“We just came here to kill Jews”, says Ahmed bin Mahmoud, an Arab peace activist, while throwing fist-sized rocks at nearby Israeli schoolkids, “and this worm just insists on kissing my sandals, or asking me to kick him in the stomach and call him a ‘worthless slave’. I don’t know about you, but such things make me feel very uneasy.” Continue reading »