Thereâ€™s something Iâ€™ve been meaning to get off my chest for some time now: the general populaceâ€™s ignorance with regard to using public bathrooms. I know that many claim that itâ€™s a â€œnatural thingâ€, but I believe that what I am experiencing, both audibly and from the various foul stenches that assault my nose in public restrooms, is farâ€”very farâ€”from normal.
Being an expert on defecation, having performed it countless times in my lifetime, I have contrived a set of rules that the general populace should follow should they feel the need to â€œpurge themselvesâ€ in a public toilet.
1. First, always flush before doing anything. This will not only cleanse the bowl of any remnants from previous users, but will also alert you to a clogged toilet, thus saving you from the embarrassment of flushing and having your fecal matter strewn about the floor. No one likes a poo-pooed floor.
2. Next, lay down one of those tissue cheek protectors provided by the management for your protection. These may also be referred to as Texas t-shirts, shit-bibs for assholes or ass gaskets. Remember to remove the inner portion completely. Reading the instructions will reveal that the manufacturer suggests leaving it attached and partially submerged in the water. I do not recommend this. Reading step 4 will explain why.
3. Now you are ready to sit. This is where a great sense of self-control and practice come into play. Most individuals just â€œlet looseâ€ right about now, sending a flurry of rude bodily noises echoing amongst the barren restroom walls. Show some consideration for others. Restrain yourself from your home practice of sphincter whale calling: clicking, popping and moaning in the songs of our sea-faring friends. Control your sphincter and you control the world. Remember, flatulents are funny. People will laugh should you fart uncontrollably.
4. After your initial release, â€œcourtesy flushâ€. This shortens the air-time of your stool, thus preventing unnecessary fouling of the air. If you did not completely tear off the center of the cheek protector in step 2, you will now be faced with a very awkward situation as it attempts to follow your initial droppings down the hole. This often results in a wet booty and causes you to stand, which can be awkward in itself considering you havenâ€™t wiped yet. Standing before you wipe is a really weird sensation.
5. Should anyone enter the restroom when you occupy a stall it is your solemn duty to inform him or her of your presence. A simple sniff, cough or throat clearing should do the trick. Never, however, wriggle the toilet paper holder. No one wants to be alerted to the fact that you are wiping.
6. Also, never pinch off too soon. This often results in having to wipe your rectum for like six months and use about six rolls of toilet paper. Take your time. Read a magazine or a paper. Should you feel the urge to â€œpinch offâ€, exhale completely. You will find that this trick relieves that impulse. People are aware of when you start wiping and extensive wiping my result in giggling from fellow stall mates. However, always wipe at least twice. More often than not all â€œkling-onsâ€ may not be gathered on the first pass.
7. Wash your hands, for Christ sake. I know that sandwich has been calling your name all morning long, but what you mistakenly lick off your fingers later may not actually be peanut butter.
8. Finally, adjust yourself and any inner garments before leaving the stall. Digging into your crack to retrieve your underwear and relieve your chafed rectum (see wiping excessively, number 6) as you mosey on down the hallway only further alerts others to the fact that you were either crapping or being sodomized.
Following these simple rules should help you save face amongst your co-workers and the general public at large. Remember, everybody poops, but only savages revel in the fact that they have. Never comment on how â€œlightâ€ you feel when returning from your delivery. Thatâ€™s just plain yuck.