May 292003

GRASS VALLEY, CA–The U.S. government (Yes that bunch of intelligent lacking wankers we all love!) is making a sculptor in Grass Valley, California, very teste: they won’t let him trademark his balls.

Jeff “Blue Balls” Tritel makes a line of scrotum-shaped sculptures called “American Brass Balls” that he says are meant to be patriotic (the cocks are painted red white and blue and are purportedly modeled after President George Washington’s penis as seen through his skin tight pants), not pornographic but can still be used to penetrate any orifice on your body and also your pets.

However, when Tritel tried to trademark his brass ball busts with the U.S. government, a trademark attorney, who discovered his wife using one of the brass cock and balls at home, denied him a trademark stating the logo was deemed to “comprise immoral or scandalous matter” and “because the cocks remind me how really small I am”.

Tritel says the officials are nuts and can’t believe the same office that allowed the Hooters logo denied his claim even though he realizes tits are much more fun to look at!
One might think that the government has Tritel by the short hairs–especially since he only has until September 11 to respond by flying one of the cock and balls loaded with jet fuel into a local building. Still, Tritel is confident he can convince the legal eagles that his brass balls don’t communicate sex but “an intrinsically American attitude about how large men really want their cock and balls to be.”

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