First of all let me start by apologizing for our inability to maintain our own web site. Yes, we are a bunch of slackers and we feel really, really bad about letting our readers downâ€¦ What? No one cared? Oh, well never mind then.
Okay, so as you all remember from our April issue I have this thing with body hair, mainly my own. Personally I can’t stand it and don’t feel it serves any purpose whatsoever. I mean, if you really think about it, people living in extremely cold temperatures (Eskimos) have almost no body hair while those living in the middle of the desert (Arabs) are probably some of the hairiest people on Earth. Now does that make sense to you on any evolutionary scale? I didn’t think so.
Anyway, after my less than stellar experience with Nads in February, I again found myself one late night viewing infomercials. And as I was sitting there watching a demonstration of a product called Epil-Stop & Spray I thought to myself, HEY! Then momentarily regaining my sensibility, I begged myself, no, no, don’t torture yourself again. Then again, HEY! So I ordered a package of this stuff off their web site.
Well, a couple of weeks passed and finally I got my shipment. Being a wary consumer, however, and not trusting the claims made on television, I carefully read the instructions and warning labels on the bottles. Okay, let’s see, don’t use on face, near genitals and rectal areas, uh huh, don’t leave on for more than 8 minutes. Okay, got it. So immediately that night, while my wife was at work, I decided, against my better judgment, to give it a go.
Now IGIÃ, the company that makes this stuff, claims their product: removes hair quickly (we’ll see about that), moisturizes (okay, so), exfoliates (I don’t like this word. It scares me. This usually means that it either contains battery acid which dissolves away three layers of skin or it contains ground up lava rocks or something that basically have the same effect), soothes (riiiight), contains Vitamin C & E (so does orange juice) and is enriched with antioxidants (that’s what Vitamin C is). You know, something in the back of my mind told me something horrible was going to happen, but never having been someone who listens to my own better judgment, I continued.
Again I decided on a strategic place to attempt the “renovation”. And as surely as history repeats itself, I chose my belly (I don’t like my belly). So I sprayed the stuff on quite liberally as the instructions stated and also imitating what I saw on TV. Oooh, it tingles. Then I waitâ€¦ for eight minutesâ€¦ the tingle turning into a stingingâ€¦ ever so graduallyâ€¦ on my belly. After the elapsed time I was eager to wipe the crap off; not only to see the results, but I truly believed that my theory on the exfoliation process was true and if I exfoliated any further, my intestines would fall out.
So I wipedâ€¦ Hey! What the fuâ€¦ the hair’s still there! Wiped some more, hmmm, and more, ouch, and more, owwww! Hmm, you know, maybe I did it wrong. So I finished wiping my belly thoroughly clean and attempted it again. This time I thought I’d use even more spray. Spray, spray, sprayâ€¦ owww, wait eight minutes, wipeâ€¦ hey, much better, now it’s coming off. Then I took a closer look. Hey, I thought this stuff was supposed to dissolve the root too. In a nutshell my belly was a battlefield of stubble reminiscent of a weeks worth of hair regrowth had I shaved.
Thoroughly dismayed and wholeheartedly unimpressed I jumped in the shower to wash the remaining crap off. Now, have you ever jumped into a warm shower after you got a really bad sunburn? Well, that’s just how it felt. Holy crap, I’m gonna die! It suddenly occurred to me that the double application of the spray had a combined contact time of 16 minutes on my skin: double the pleasure, double the pain. I immediately shut off the shower and tenderly dried my skin, oooow.
Well, I went to bed that night with a burning bellyâ€¦ it lasted for three days and scabbed over in a few parts. Undaunted, however, I decided to give it another go, this time swearing to follow the instruction to a tee and using plenty of spray this time. Giving my belly a break from further abuse this time I chose my shoulder (which is not very hairy at all; I figured I’d make it easier on the product this time). Spray, spray, spray, sprayâ€¦ waitâ€¦ wipe. Well, not bad but I’m still unimpressed, and it’s STINGING again!
Well, that’s it. As far as I’m concerned they should call this stuff Epil-Stop & Pain. By the way IGIÃ, when does the hurting stop?