Jul 292010

Psycho KillerImagine if you will, that you are a small herbivorous quadruped of the rodent family scurrying to and fro fervently within your environment in a search for sustenance. Unlike Homo sapiens with higher brain functions, you have no temporal sense or sense of mortality. You cavort and play since you are a clever and intelligent little creature, a common squirrel. Most hominoids think you are cute and adorable. You spy a rather tasty and enticing walnut laying on the ground not 8 feet from you. You scratch your furry ass and then furtively dart towards the mouth-watering morsel. As you grab it within your dexterous little paws you catch movement out of your peripheral vision. SPLAT… you are road kill.

So you are now dead and splattered all over the road with multiple cars running over your carcass. In the U.S. the traffic would continue to drive over your body until there is nothing left. You have donned your little angel wings and are floating away to a better place when someone speaks up and says you have no soul and are going nowhere but you flip him off and go on your way.

Fortunately this is NOT the U.S. but SCOTLAND. The land of the haggis eaters and men who wear tartan skirts, the same as little school girls but with no underwear on to prove they LOVE the cold and are real men! Home to the Loch Ness Monster which financially supports an entire region without ever having ever existed! Forget that crazy theory put forth by Al Gore that the Loch Ness Monster was really Jack the Ripper. A magical country with ancient castles and moors, not to be confused with s’mores unless you think swampland is more tasty! David Naughton was attacked and converted into a werewolf here… no that was England but I am sure someone has been eaten alive on the moors in Scotland as well and was found to be delicious! Home to heroes such as Angus Young of AC/DC and William Wallace who laughed at being eviscerated! Damn those Scots are tough. You ever see them compete in contests of strength? Do they throw shot puts? Race or swim in competition? Hell no! “Ey Angus, let os pick oop that tree ovr there and see ho kin throw it farther!” They are a hardy lot. Who would mess with such a man and what the Hell does this have to do with the opening paragraph and why is my underwear too tight? I am getting to it!

This is culminating in a story I read earlier this week about a Scottish brewery named Brewdog Brewery. They were referred to as a renegade brewery. I admit this makes as much sense as an EXTREME brewery so I can only surmise that since they are renegade, they are traitors to the brewing industry and I am sure held to the highest laws of the brewing rules system. Villages of people brandishing torches and pitch forks have gathered in search of this brewery, ready to burn it to the ground and destroy the evil forever along with Dr. Victor Von Frankenstein!

The End of History Beer

“Dance with me Ginger my love!”

You ask “What evil is that, PK, and why is your underwear so tight?”. Well it is because of this:

You ask “My GOD, What is that squirrel doing wearing a Top Hat and a Tux with a bottle neck and cap protruding from his throat?” Well I can assure you he did not accidentally fall onto it in the shower as many men claim when they arrive at multiple emergency room with various objects embedded in their rear ends. Company members scoured the streets for road kill and had a taxidermist perform their magic at preservation to create the first dead carcass covering for booze. Fortunately they found the body of a dead one that was headed to a costume party dressed as Fred Astaire so he was their number one choice. Unfortunately they did not find the Ginger Rogers’ costume recipient so they could not sell them as a couple frozen forever in a dancing pose. The one they found dress as Truman Capote was not even considered. The initial run of 12 bottles was packaged in seven dead stoats, four squirrels and a rabbit and a partridge in a pear tree. A stoat is an ermine or weasel (My favorite word!) Of course none were as sharply dressed as the squirrels although the rabbit did bear a striking resemblance to the Velveteen Rabbit after it had been on a Meth high for 3 weeks.

The beer they created is 55% alcohol. American beer is 3-6% to give you a comparison. If you really hate kids and wanted to do away with an entire generation, you could purchase this in mass and distribute it to every college in the nation. Within one week, 95% of all students would be dead. Unfortunately only 12 bottles were created and were sold out immediately at 1000 dollars a pop. It is rumored that Leatherface purchased them all.

The beer was named “The End of History” beer. Shouldn’t it be Dead Squirrel Brew or Dead Carcass Brew or “OMG I think I am going to throw up, Beer!”? Somehow when I look at him, a tear wells up in my eye just thinking of Rocky the Flying Squirrel. BASTARDS!

The End of History Beer

I find there is nothing that will impress a woman more than displaying what true class and intelligence I possess when I pull out my “The End of History” beer for a midnight cap. It really turns the ladies on!

James Watts, the unbalanced mind behind the product, who enjoys pulling the wings off flies and torturing kittens in his spare time was quoted as saying, “In true BrewDog fashion we’ve torn up convention, blurred distinctions and pushed brewing and beer packaging to its absolute limits. Just wait till our next product named ‘Fetal Tissue Alcoholic Fluid’! We purchased 20 dead fetus’ from an abortion clinic and are working on making them resemble Cabbage Patch Kids! This is the beer to end all beers. It’s an audacious blend of eccentricity, artistry and rebellion; changing the general perception of beer, one stuffed animal at a time,” he said. He then pulled his pants down and began masturbating in front of all gathered at the press conference. Definitely an unstable mind. Employees also let it be known that he wets his bed often so authorities are questioning him pertaining to several Serial killings occurring in the general area. Victims were dressed to resemble Br’er Rabbit. Thank GOD for innovators such as this. I think I read about this in Revelations as a sign of the end of times.

I will leave you with one last picture that says it all.

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