Dec 112009

Psycho Killer

I have been aware for sometime of a hideous defect that is directly related to the supposedly healthy and life changing habit of eating organic food. No, this is not the heinous looking Burger King that causes me nightmares even when I am awake nor is it every politician in existence (they are all defective and mind dead without eating organic). I have observed them in numbers as they pathetically wander the hillsides in search of food. They are devoid of receiving any medication or the personnel that could easily solve their defects. Since people wish to eat healthier, they join the ranks of organic turkeys that weigh less then an ordinary chicken and possess gobbles that sound like two giant walrus’s engaged in mating rituals utilizing Quaker state motor oil and a child’s plastic wading pool.  Fruits and vegetables that are smaller and less tasteful then Styrofoam packing material but by GOD they have no pesticides or chemicals in them. Maybe that is why insects have grown exponentially in numbers and in size and can now hold jobs at the state DMV?  People pay exorbitant prices for these items. I am surprised that this has not made one of those really lame daily televised news reports that state the incredibly obvious.  You know the ones “Tonight on WKTV news, we go undercover to discover the shocking truth that black people really are a different color then Caucasians!” Oh boy, I can’t miss that one!  That of which I speak is the plight of the pathetic hill cow or it’s scientific name Hills Bos Taurus. It is an unknown fact that every Ford Taurus ever created has an entire cow folded into its structure, hence the name.

I became aware of the plight of the common hill cow as I drive home from work and see them standing on the hill grazing. They stand there day after day amidst the impressive electric generating wind towers with huge propellers that PG&E built in the hills that route 680 passes through. There is a man named Fred Dorbus that claims that no human hand could have wrought such wonders and believes they were built long ago by a race of now extinct six armed mammalian bipeds. No one places much credence in this theory since Fred has been a patient in a mental institution for 23 years and at times believes he is Marilyn Monroe’s non –existent 4th cousin Prudence. Although I am told he looks great in a dress!

The cows are taken at birth and released into the hills. As they grow in size, they adapt to their environment in an amazing fashion. Two of their legs grow shorter than the other two. This keeps them standing upright and level on the hill sides. Unfortunately this adaptation has its drawbacks. The cow cannot walk up and down a hill. They must take teeny tiny steps and make minor path alteration. This can take a cow an insurmountable amount of time to reach the apex or zenith of a hill, not to mention it is much easier to tip them over when they are asleep, on a positive note they have less distance to fall.

One rancher by the name of Bill McReady thought he would attempt to remedy the problem by using a relatively inexpensive penis stretcher he had received one year as a Christmas present from his 112 year old great, great grandmother that had mistakenly thought she was purchasing garden hose reel caddies as presents. Unfortunately it had a very similar effect upon the legs as it had upon Bill’s penis. It did indeed increase the length of the legs but made them virtually useless to stand upon. Bill’s penis is not useless, as a matter of fact he can use his penis as a lasso to rope his iced tea from across the table and slide it to him. A useful trick but unacceptable at family gatherings.

Another horrendous aspect of this cow fiasco has to do with the multitude of wind generators that PG&E have built in the area. My first couple attempts at traversing the pass, I noticed a sign I had never seen in any driver test nor anywhere else for the matter. It depicted what was obviously a car and to its’ right were multiple small items each with a vertical line following it. This is the warning sign that occasionally a hill cow wanders aimlessly in one of the large propellers and vehicles are sprayed with all that is cow. This pass used to be called blood alley and I assumed this was due to the frequent collisions that took place. Nope, it has to do with “MOOOOOO!” SPLAT!!!!! WHOOSH, SPLASH! This is where the company Cuisinart got the ideas for their products. This is advantageous to the road kill groupies that love fresh meat. It is good reason to carry a good sized ice chest with you. People have actually been hit and killed going after a delicious looking rump roast.

So the Hills Bos Taurus continues to roam the pass with its’ wee set of short legs, moving slowing and occasionally providing free beef and blood baths to the passing traffic. Personally this is just too close to Lawrence Livermore Labs for them not to have a hand in it. Remember the fiasco a few years back with the irradiated pigs possessing human faces and the back legs of Olympian Carl Lewis that escaped from there? People found out why it is oh so necessary to wear underwear upon seeing those monstrosities. Who needs the Chupacabra when you have LLL? All your nightmares brought to life.

So when you go to bed tonight, say a prayer for the hill cow and be grateful we get to eat the beef that Ford once made portions of automobiles from.

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