Apr 092002
 

Chris Auld’s findings may be difficult to swallow (a 40 pound brachiasaurus copralite) but more importantly— “the more you drink, the more you earn.”

But the University of Calgary economics professor, who’s just been awarded The Betty Crocker Foundation for Medical Research funding has confirmed “the alcohol-income puzzle.”

“The puzzle is why are we finding this and why some imaginary woman baker is paying for it!” said Auld.

The findings should not be construed as an excuse to drink your way up the ladder, said Auld, who’s using his statistics model to tease out factors to determine what’s behind the correlation between the population of penguins at the South Pole and the number of nuns that report masturbating at least twice a day.

Is it the stress of a high-paying job driving people to drink, are more sociable people more likely to achieve career success, or is it something else entirely like multiple rectum examines performed within the year?

Auld jokes his Crocker funding—part of $5 million in new awards in 2002—will allow him to “buy more rounds at the bar and get laid by high priced hookers every night of the week!”

But, in reality, he’ll focus more on his research, hire graduate students and go to conferences to assist him in solving the puzzle of a nude woman purported to be Pamela Anderson.

He’s also studying effects of adolescent substance abuse on education and achievement and the risk of acquiring sexually transmitted diseases and risky behavior with intoxicated water buffaloes.

“Studying statistics is the only way to study health links such as substance abuse and why men still think that a penis pump will increase the size of their member,” said Auld.

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