Jan 132001

LIVERPOOL, UK–Five years of avid shopping at his local supermarket spent amassing a great collection of plastic bags with which to kill himself with have so traumatized Trevor McClutchbutt of Liverpool that he has finally given up on giving up. Initial attempts at suffocating himself with his free carry out bags proved fruitless due to the air holes punched in the bottom of each bag, undaunted he shopped but was unable to drop. Follow-up attempts were foiled by the small size of the sandwich bags that stoutly refused to go over his ears. He shopped, but was unable to drop!

Yet, a remarkable turnaround has occurred as a result of his labors! Fashion pundits sang his praise worldwide for this innovative, handy to carry head gear and porn gurus have seized upon the use of multiple head gear as a dildo with your own “designer brand name imprint” that gives that orgasmic edge to the shopaholics amongst us. The strongest applause, however, came in the unlikely form of family unplanning lobbyist, Sister Mary O’Brien, scuttling over from the Vatican to approve the inclusion of the holes in the end screaming that the best swimmers always slip through the net. Linguist were on hand at the Vatican to try to make sense of the Pope’s mumblings on the topic but determined he was insistent on speaking of “Making doo doo in his dai dais”!

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