When fortune knocks, open the door but be sure you are wearing Kevlar vest in case it is the loan shark you did not pay back.
A fault confessed is half redressed unless you are a nymphomaniac or sex addict.
To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming so obviously there are a crap load of people missing the target!
The impossible is often the untried so continue to attempt to eat your own head.
Experience is the comb that nature gives us when we are bald unless you are a teenager with your head shaved.
Speak not of my debts unless you mean to pay them but you have the right to pummel me senseless if I am screwing up YOUR credit rating.
A great many people mistake opinions for thoughts and the Dali Lama is a peaceful, loving old man.
Nothing would be done at all if a man waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault with it so that is why a tremendous amount of sex is needed.
The impossible is often the untried but people keep attempting insane positions from the Kama Sutra and horribly injuring themselves anyway.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice and I really am a gullible fool!
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead unless you catch him in bed with your wife.
In this life we get nothing save by effort or by inheriting 800 billion dollars from your deceased father.
A wise man hears one word and understands two which explains why wise men are HORRIBLE at math!
The Earth has music for those who listen but if you do not turn down that damn bass speaker in your car I will kick your ass!
There are no such things as strangers, only friends that we have not yet met, I always did feel that way about Hitler, Stalin, Castro, ad infinitum.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. WTF!!!!! I just had to add this one. I think the author was on an hallucinogen.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself and the psychopathic sadist serial killer that has already murdered 25 people in your neighborhood!
There are two tragedies in life: The first is not to get your heart’s desire, the second is to get it so BURN all those millions you just won in the state lottery!
Even a fool knows we can’t reach the stars, but that doesn’t stop the wise man from trying and falling off the roof of his house and breaking bones!
Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and act. Re-create the Gene Kelly dancing number in the street from â€œSinging in the Rain.â€
Money is a good servant but a bad master. At least that is what my dominatrix tells meâ€¦
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none and be a door mat for everyone the rest of your natural born life.
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it or by giving it a stern talking to!
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm which was obviously written before the discovery of neurotransmitters.
Seek the wisdom of the ages, but look at the world through the eyes of a child and throw temper tantrums until you get what you want.
Fear is just another four-letter word and so is dead.
Nothing can make you feel inferior without your consent except all the non-caring Neanderthals in the world that insult you on a daily basis.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact especially small rodents.
One kind word can warm three winter months if only the Donner-Reed party had known this!!
What lies ahead of you is nothing compared to what lies within you, a fifty foot tape worm.
The great man is he who does not lose his child’s heart but always knows where it is located when the chance to sell it for those big bucks for a transplant comes along!
Never look down on a man unless you are helping him up or you happen to be 7 foot tall.
Lies equal pain, truth equals pleasure. From a person that has NEVER been in a relationship.
Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience and a Louisville Slugger.
A friend to all is a friend to none specifically all those on face book with over 500 friends!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets pissed at you he’ll be a mile away and barefooted.
You may make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you start blaming someone else. That is why it is so important to blame inanimate objects.