Jan 032001


I hear the cries when I’m awake. I hear the cries when I’m asleep. Hell, I even hear them when I’m on the can: where is Captain Unicorn? Well, to tell you all the truth, I have no frickin’ idea. Perhaps he’s off in some remote end of the galaxy possibly saving some unknown planet and its denizens from a most certain doom. Perhaps he’s overseas somewhere on secret assignment for the government securing our progeny’s and our safety. Or maybe he’s just sleeping one off. Wherever his whereabouts, he’s not answering my emails.

Someone told me that he had taken a vacation, driving cross-country in an attempt to “find himself”. Maybe he’s just trying to get closer to his feminine side; after all, anyone who walks around in tights can’t possibly be all there. Some others even told me that there are pictures documenting these said travels. Yeah, right. I’ll believe it when I see them. If he had been traveling I’m sure there would have been news of his whereabouts. Don’t you think that if some costumed freak had been wandering about the country that CNN would have covered it? Yeah, I thought so.

Well, you want to hear my theory? I don’t think he actually exists. I mean, I’ve never seen him, and he’s supposedly part of our staff—what does that tell you? I think he’s just some publicity stunt engineered by the Republicans to draw attention from the fact that they’re a bunch of shitheads. I think they actually sent some Captain Unicorn look-alike to Florida last year to distract those people from their voting. It seems to have worked beautifully.

So, that still leaves us with my initial question: where’s Captain Unicorn? Well, I’ll tell ya—nowhere. He’s a fabrication, an illusion, a specter drummed up to keep the rest of us in submissive compliance to the forces that be. Well, either that or he’s just mired somewhere in his day job and hour after hour of overtime as a network administrator, struggling just to make ends meet… Nah, that couldn’t be it. He’s a ruse, I tell you!

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