Ah, itâ€™s that time of year when everyone who has chosen to ignore and shun me suddenly crawl out from whatever bowel laden holes theyâ€™ve been hiding in to wish me a Happy Birthday via phone, email and text message (I donâ€™t use Facebook, so there). Well, who gives a shit?
I just donâ€™t understand peopleâ€™s fascination with birthdays. So youâ€™ve survived however many years, big deal, so have six billion others and most of them in far worse situations than you. How about we give the congratulations and well wishes to those whoâ€™ve really struggled and overcame adversity to get where they are. â€œHey, Happy Birthday homeless dude. I realize how difficult it must be to survive on your meager rations of Night Train and meth. Hereâ€™s some ointment for your calloused and blistered hands, the product of pushing that over laden shopping cart around for the past several years. Better yet, hereâ€™s a shitty-ass card. At least you can burn it for warmth or use it to wipe the grime from your ass should your carbuncles ever heal.â€
Screw that. So, you finally get why all that ceremonious bullshit means nothing? Why that one call a year holds little weight in comparison to your lack of interest in my life for the past year? And when I do get a call itâ€™s all small talk anyway, nothing of substance. You know you really have no desire to hear anyone elseâ€™s sob stories anyway. How about taking an actual interest in what Iâ€™m doing for once? Think you can manage that? Of course not, not with the plethora of self-absorbed activities youâ€™ve decided to pile upon yourself.
A birthday is no great accomplishment; itâ€™s not a special day. Eventually, youâ€™ll just have to face the fact that youâ€™re not special, that youâ€™re merely here using up precious oxygen like the rest of us. Once you figure that out youâ€™ll start congratulating those who actually deserve it: those who have accomplished something. Youâ€™re no longer 10 so get over the birthday bullshit. You may as well start celebrating each of your bowel movements. Theyâ€™re just as mundane but just a tad bit more fascinating.